Strange Season

Spring started more than a week, yet since its arrival we've had ten inches of snow with temperatures that can certainly ruin my enthusiasm for the season's true colors. Heavy freezing rainfall followed suit turning that white blanket to muddy slush; and just as I was feeling hope for dry land, this time, little spheres of ice were sprinkled on us by the gods of the heavens. But like a prankster's joke, the brief shower of hail melted halfway towards its descent to our earth. More rain. Then sometime one midnight, I heard thunderous voices as whirlwinds began to circle and blow. The power of the winds were strong enough for me to feel the house shake. Then as the dawn broke the next day, a strange light hit my sleeping eyes. And there it was peeking through my satin curtains, spring sunshine early in the morning!

Spring is here
Why doesn't the breeze delight me
Stars appear
Why doesn't the night invite me
But maybe it's because nobody loves me
Spring is here i hear
Somebody told me spring is here
- Nina Simone

Sleep Deprivation

I see no pictures in my clouded and tired mind. I’m exhausted, however fortunate that it’s been an easy day – TGIF. We dress casually on Fridays at work. Even more unfussy than the already laid-back wear in small city Cordova. We have a Spring Christmas party. We exchange white elephant gifts. I don’t know why it is named that, but I play along. This is my third year doing the obligatory work party, and I wish they’d organize something different and unique. This is getting really old. The salsa dip is lousy, too. I didn't know they put baby shrimps in them... Uugh.

My brain goes into a coma sometime this afternoon. And just when I am to translate a long letter – from English to another foreign language – poof, there goes my head! My left hand feels lifeless and I see my fingers trembling while tapping the keys. I try to focus again and find the spot where I’d left my last thoughts. I’m paralyzed up there. I give up… I better put my head down on the desk and steal some rest.

Sleep deprivation. I worry and envision my delicate future and that of my children’s. What lies ahead in my future is extremely vital. I plan ahead. I set my goals. But I don’t sleep at a decent time so I awake at 7:00 AM without remorse from last night's lack of planning. I should already be under the falling water in the shower cubicle.

The earth is pulling my eyelids down. If I don’t get my hands off this keyboard, I will drool on it while my head falls and my chin touches my chest. So here’s goodnight for now.

This day has ended.
- Kahlil Gibran

Happy Love

You've never left that place in my heart. I feared , though, that you'd stray to a place where you couldn't feel me wanting you. Please don't. I need to feel you beside me.
- SB

Today I reunite with happiness and love. It may have only been a couple of days when I thought I had lost these two most sought after and rewarding of emotions, for it seemed like I have endured a lifetime of heartaches. He woos me to get me back in his arms. At 40 years old this puppy-love sensation is comparable to the blissful times of one's younger days; the poise I carry as the most popular girl in school, the excitement in receiving my very first 2-wheeled bike, the beaming pride of a full-pledged teenager as I celebrate my 13th birthday, and the tingling delight my captivated heart signals to every pore of my skin sending wild goose bumps every time I see my very first love.

He welcomes me like the colors of spring...

Your new blog entries are like the early sun as it peeks shyly from the edge of the earth at dawn. The sky is lightening and the world is beginning to stir again. Full daylight is once again on its way, and with it the warmth and comfort that we know it will bring. Welcome back. UMakeMeSmile. - SB

Once More

Seems unlikely that one would be doing laundry at half past midnight, but that's what it is for me. The timing is perfect to lay all the clothes in the middle of the living room, flick a lampswitch, and feed the stereo with Nora Jones. Once again the house is mine. Yet again, my soul is mine.

The melancholy of the night is unsettling. Just when I am starting to understand the serenity of a place and favor it now for the bustling world I lived in, the recent sense of joy falters and my resilience to the surroundings wavers. It is a state of my mind as my heart dictates this somberness.

As swiftly as love enters my craving spirit, hastily it leaves me. Once more, I find myself alone.

And in healing, I will remember ...

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night;
To know the pain of too much tenderness;
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.
- Kahlil Gibran

Swan Songs

My last narrative spoke about being consistent in keeping up with the regular log I have freshly started. I haven’t written here in the last 5 days or so. The last entry covered my interpretation of the value (of) CONSISTENCY, and here I am failing to pursue the concept. Arguably, I haven’t failed… yet. I have some good excuses for missing those days and failing to put my thoughts in; but it is pointless now to write and justify those skipped logs. Let’s move on to more important and (hopefully) engaging personal revelations.

The last few weeks have been so radically transforming for me. I not only met a new lover/friend (see previous archives) and renewed my faith in friendship, I also started seeing different aspects and the individualism of what make interconnecting relationships work.

For these last 3 years I have been on roller coaster rides and endless circular trips to the highs and lows of unknown destinations. My journeys to supposedly life goals had no plotted directions. Some moments I thought I knew what I was traversing; only I didn’t have a map to help me find these routes. I journeyed to, and returned from, nowhere.

Lately, a new individual has been the focus of my diversion. He is for the moment the effective influence behind the basic but equally important challenges of my day-to-day undertakings. He on the other hand conveys to me that I feed his 43 year-old embodiment the sense of worth and pride he's always hungered for. While he helps me envision things through his lucid sight, I commit to the task of offering my undivided attention to his emotional requirements. We compliment and complement one another. All of our known senses are stirred by the waves of our combined essence. Thus, I begin to open up to what will compound and heighten my pursuits in this stirring transition I am currently crossing.

Stumbling upon each other in an uncharacteristic manner was the cause and/of which the effects were summarized here. We began with ardent and quick email exchanges hinting mutual infatuation and interest. This was followed by considerable intense discussions, highly expressive in our now longer and prominent correspondences; the eloquent letters laid out brazen and emotional interaction even without the benefit of history. And at last, a fluky yet perfectly timed rendezvous of 2 broken days and nights in a given place was rewarded to us, wherein we tested the waters of our desires, and joyously succeeded in confirming the tacit but, understood, equally shared, extraordinary sense of awe, affection, and admiration.

And so the swan sings her song as she dies...